THE CLUB!

I am a member of “The Club” that no one wants to be a part of, unfortunately.  The club that you become a member of when you lose a child.  I lost my 8yr old little girl, Laken Brooke, in a tragic golf cart accident on July 23, 2008 (my husband and I both lost her of course, but for the sake of this blog I’m just going to speak in first person).  She was my second of 4 beautiful girls.  My oldest, Lacey Brianna, was born to my former husband.  So Laken, was Alan’s & my first little girl together, by blood.  Then 10 1/2 months later came Logan Breck…our baby for 8 years until her baby sister Brooklyn Leigh was born in December 2009…now our baby.  We never planned to have another child after Logan because we felt extremely blessed with the 3 girls we already had and were so busy taking care of.  But we also never planned to lose a child to death…. That day changed me forever!  The pain I felt through losing her is absolutely inexplicable.  I can tell you one thing though…I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!  The other parents that are unfortunate enough to also be members of this club have a clue of the pain I experienced.  All I can advise is…if you’ve never lost a child then never ever assume what it feels like, don’t try to give advice, and never ever judge.  It’s a lifetime sentence of pain and heartache…almost unbearable at times.  I had already struggled with depression for several years before this happened but this was the straw that broke the camels back.  I sunk down into the deepest darkest place I’d ever been & may as well have died myself.  I was of no use to anyone anymore…not even myself.  I felt like I was a robot going through the motions of life.  That is, after I got out of the initial shock/zombie stage.  It was all just so unreal & so devastating.  I was so low at this point that I just didn’t know how to function.  Many days I didn’t get out of bed…I cried for hours daily…I didn’t want to do anything except stay in bed and be alone.  As a Christian, I felt like I didn’t even know how to pray anymore or what to pray for….I was at a complete loss for words.  All I could do was close my eyes and cry out to God…no words, just weeping.  I knew He was there and that He heard my cries and felt my pain.  I’ve always liked the poem “Footprints”, although  I never fully understood it until I actually experienced it.  If you’ve never read or heard it you should look it up.   The last words of the poem says….”It was then that I carried you”…that was me!!!  God carried me all the way through this tragic, devastating time in my life!  If it wasn’t for Him, I promise you I would not be here.  Many times did I contemplate taking my own life just to end the pain that engulfed me. But deep down in my heart I knew that God had a purpose for everything that had happened and a plan for me….even though I couldn’t imagine being useful to anyone or for anything ever again.  Also, my heart hurt for my other two little girls that were right in the middle of this nightmare with us and I just couldn’t bring myself to cause them anymore pain by taking their mama out of their life (even though I was only a robot mama going through the motions at that time).  I was in the middle of the most disturbing internal battle than I had ever been before.  I knew that I was a child of God and that He had a plan & purpose for my life and that He wasn’t finished with me…..But I also knew that one of my life’s purposes was to be a mama and one of my babies had just died and I wanted to die with her.  Throw all that up in the middle of my depression & bipolar that I already struggled with and what do you come up with???…an utter & complete mess and disaster…..AKA a nervous/mental breakdown….which was exactly what I was experiencing in my life!  I am still amazed that I didn’t end up in a mental institution.  I can tell you that is where I needed to be.  And I can also tell you why I didn’t end up there.  Number 1 because I serve an almighty God that loves me and promises to never leave me. (Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.)    Number 2 because I have an amazing husband that loves me with all of his heart and soul (which brings me back to number 1….God gave him to me!)   I cannot even imagine having to face something like this without God.  I have no idea how non-Christians survive such a tragedy!  The bible says that we should not grieve for those which sleep in death like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.   I am comforted by the many promises that God has given us.  I know I will see my baby again one day in Heaven and we will spend eternity together…which gives me hope.   I will never be able to express the pain I felt…there are no words.  And there’s also no way I can share all of my thoughts, feelings and experiences in one post.  I will share more in posts to come.  After all, I believe that is one reason God has me writing this blog…to share my life’s testimony with others.  

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (KJV)  But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.  For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.  For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.  For the Lord himself shall descend from Heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:  Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air:  and so shall we ever be with the Lord.  Wherefore comfort one another with these words.