Friends and family, as I sit here and write, it is with a heavy heart. Tomorrow on January 18th, 2019, my Laken Brooke would’ve been 19 years old. It still boggles my mind that she’s been gone for 10 1/2 yrs. I can still remember so clear the day she was born and I held her for the first time. She was a beautiful baby….blue eyes, white hair (the little that she had lol). And she was mine! All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom. God has been so good to me and blessed me beyond measure throughout my life. He knows our hearts deepest desires. I’ve always wanted girls and He gave me 4 healthy, beautiful daughters and 2 granddaughters. My cup runneth over! In Psalm 23, which I’m sure many of you know or have at least heard, (if not, please look it up in the Bible & read) it says that the Lord is our Shepherd. King David, who wrote the Psalms, grew up & worked as a shepherd. Just as the Shepherds take care of their sheep and all of their needs, The Lord takes care of us. He makes sure we have everything we need. He protects us. He’s always with us. He comforts us and gives us peace. These are just a few things… The 23rd Psalms gives me great peace each time I read it or quote it, especially in my times of sorrow. When I’m down in the valleys I know He is with me…Thank you Lord!
I haven’t blogged since the beginning of December. As you know, the holidays often consume every second of our lives. I am ashamed to say that I fell into that category. I allowed it to take time away that I should’ve been spending with God and studying His word. The devil loves to keep us busy. He knows that if we’re busy with everyday life then it’s much more likely that we won’t make the time we should for God and fulfilling the mission He has for each of us.
But back to Laken’s birthday tomorrow…it is a tough day every year. I know that many people probably judge me and probably think…she needs to get over it already and stop feeling sorry for herself. I’m sorry…I will NEVER get over it! My heart still aches for my little girl that is no longer with us. Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” There will always be a missing piece of my heart. It probably sounds crazy, but I still feel like we’re missing someone when I’m counting all of us family…whether it be going on a trip or whatever. Our family will not be complete again until we are reunited. The Bible says in Psalm 34:18 that The Lord is near the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I know I shouldn’t let the devil get the glory by giving in to depression and sadness. But it’s SO hard not to! It’s like a vicious cycle. When I try not to be sad, I pretty much have to try and put thoughts of Laken out of my mind. Well then I feel guilty because I should be thinking about my baby…especially on her birthday. So then I think about her and can’t help but get depressed. I try to focus on the good times we had and for a while I can but the more I think about my little girl, the more I miss her & then I begin to get sad and my mind always seems to take me back to her accident and the whole event then plays over in my head. I still cringe every time I hear an ambulance siren. It immediately takes my mind back to me riding in the ambulance on that dreaded day while my baby was being worked on in the back with the siren blaring while speeding to the hospital. I know all of these things are signs & symptoms of PTSD which I know I have…but no matter the medicine I take or the counseling I receive, it still remains. It definitely affects my life. However, I feel that God wants me to use this as part of my testimony. So I will endure whatever I have to if it will help someone else & bring God glory.
I am asking you to say a prayer for me and my family tomorrow that our day will be filled with happy memories & that we will be reminded and find joy in the promise from God that we will see her again someday & spend eternity together. The Bible says in 2 Samuel 12 :23 that when David’s infant child died David confidently said “I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.” Thank you and may God bless you.